The Brunswick Cafe Order: A Taxonomy

Oat latte, extra shot, 60 degrees, in a keep cup.

Sydney Road, 7:45am. The person in front of me has just finished ordering. The barista has not flinched. We are all complicit.

I grew up on instant. Nescafé, two sugars. So understand that when I call the Brunswick cafe order a performance, I mean it structurally — as in: it performs an identity, and the identity is performing for us. This is Erving Goffman. This is also just brunch.

The Order Spectrum

Tier 1: The Normal

Long black
Flat white
Cappuccino, no chocolate

These people have rejected the performance. Or they haven't discovered it yet. Either way, they're out the door in ninety seconds. I respect them in the way you respect someone who has genuinely stopped caring.

Tier 2: The Specific

Oat milk, extra hot
Double ristretto, 3/4 full
Almond milk, but only if it's the barista brand

Preferences. Real ones. The specificity is earned — or at least sincerely held. The barista accommodates. I am learning.

Tier 3: The Performance

Half-strength, extra shot, 65 degrees, light foam, in a ceramic mug
Piccolo, but make it a small flat white
"Whatever's closest to a Melbourne Magic"

This is a coffee order as vibe curation. The barista is doing affective labour. The barista is a licensed therapist operating under a casual award with no penalty rates. The barista deserves a union. The barista deserves, specifically, the Hospitality Industry General Award clause 29.1, minimum.

A Code Block (Because We Can)

ORDER: oat_latte
  .milk(oat)
  .shots(2)
  .temp(60)
  .vessel(keep_cup)
  .sustainability_credits(1)

If your coffee is a function call, you might be from Brunswick. No judgement. Some judgement. I am one of you. I ordered oat. I am not above this essay.

The Real Take

The complexity of your coffee order is inversely proportional to how much sleep you got last night.

No data. Vibes. Strong vibes. Longitudinal vibes. The cafe is full. Someone's dog is under a table. The dog ordered nothing, expects nothing, and is visibly at peace. The dog has figured something out. The dog is the only honest actor in this room. We should be studying the dog.

Sign off. Order what you want. The barista has seen it all. You are not special. Neither am I. The oat milk is good though. I stand by the oat milk.